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October 02 HAPPY BIRTHDAY DRAMA QUEEN!It's been 26 years since I gave birth to my Drama Queen. October 3rd is a day to celebrate her birthday. Now I will tell you how wonderful this girl is. She has a smile that lights up the room. She can make complete fun of herself and some of the situations she has gotten herself into. Her laugh is infectious. She has played soccer, softball, basketball and she danced. She was on swim team. She has always had many friends and included the excluded peers while in school. Until the age of 13 or 14, she was a delightful child, although a bit moody (but who isn't, right?). She gave life to five beautiful children: Isaiah age 9, Lucy age 4, Jaden age 3, Reece (passed away from SIDS last May at 3 months), and the soon-to-know sex of the latest. Now all of these pregnancies is not something to jump up and down about by any means. What I am proud of is that fact she chose to give them life. Isaiah and Lucy live with their adoptive parents. The rest will be said with a few pictures: Born October 3, 1980 at 9 1/2 lbs. 18 hours of labor before Csection was decided upon. Yep, she was a pain in my arse from the beginning *wink*.
Baby Photo Me and my girl at 18 months
Dweeb and I get married First dance recital
DQ and Blondie (so innocent!) Rocky Mountain vacation!
Last year she was in sports I talk quite a bit about DQ and most of the time it is sadness. But not today baby! It's her 26th Birthday! We are going to concentrate on the good times. She is doing well. She lives in a recovery house for women and has been working a full time job. Let's hope and pray it's good news from here on out! Happy Birthday Girl! August 29 Drama Queen Graduated from Recovery!YOU KNOW YOU WANT TO KNOW HOW IT WENT AND IF I REALLY SHOWED UP FOR IT!!! SO COME ON OVER AND FIND OUT WHAT'S HAPPENING WITH MY GIRL NOW. GO HERE July 26 It's Time for the DQ UpdateIt's that time of year again. It's time for Blondie to move again. We are in the midst of packing her up and cleaning her present apartment preparing to move her out. She will be moving to a new place closer to campus which is good and she is excited. We do hate to move like everyone else and, of course, the weather will cooperate by being 105 degrees on moving day. AHHHH! Summertime! Now, on to the update.
We removed Drama Queen from our home about a month ago due to her continued drug use and consequent job loss, etc. We could just see no excuse for her choosing to go back to that life when she every resource at her disposal and was in counseling for grief and drugs. No more excuses. All of her personal possessions were stuffed into trash bags and sent with her. She moved in with her Sponsor who has known her for five years in all her ups and downs. It is much more difficult for DQ to hoodwink her Sponsor. Her Sponsor has been there. I warned her Sponsor how DQ can suck the life out of you if you are not careful. She told me not to worry because she had spoken with her husband and they were setting the ground rules with her.
She was in Detox for 48 hours. Whoopee. There were no beds available in any Rehabilitation Center in the State until July 24th. So the only logical solution for Detox Center is to release her and tell her to get into one of the centers as soon as she can. Great logic. She returned to her Sponsor's home knowing it was going to be a tough few weeks with many tough rules for her. Her sponsor would call me once in awhile to give me an update. It wasn't sounding good. DQ was going through the motions. She wasn't serious about getting well. I won't get into how we knew this or you would reading a short book.
Within a week, DQ was told by her Sponsor she had to leave... NOW! DQ went into a panic and demanded the father of Reece to take care of her until she could get into Rehab. Her sponsor took her this guy's home and told him to get her a hotel room until she could get into Rehab. He did not want her in his home. She would go into rages, steal from him, etc. He put her up in a hotel for four days before he could not afford it anymore. During this time, DQ's Sponsor discovered she was using again in the hotel room. DQ's Sponsor told DQ that she was done with her. No more phone calls, no more rescuing, not even a ride to rehab which was in a city an hour away.
So, a week ago DQ was going to be out of hotel room, no rehab bed available yet, and no friend or family. She left me two whiney messages during all this time. DQ was paniced from what I heard. So, Sponsor took her to the bus station and bought her bus ticket for the city where the rehab center is located. DQ got on the bus and ended up in a homeless shelter there... in a corner... on the floor. That is all they had left. She ended up staying there for a week. The rehab center picked her up Monday morning when the bed came open. It is a women's center which is good. I hear it is run like a boot camp. This could be interesting. DQ left me a message to tell me she made it to the center.
I have not spoken one word to Drama Queen since she was removed from our home a month ago. Her Sponsor has not spoken to her since she was put on the bus over a week ago. She is on her own... all alone. Maybe this is was it takes. I do know, she can never move back here.
So that's it for now. Time will tell. If she was just going through the motions, she won't last at this rehab center. If she gets serious, she will be there for at least three months. It's up to her. July 07 Nature or NurtureNo matter how many times I've tried to write this down over the past week or so, my fingers wouldn't cooperate. I would begin to type and then close my laptop for the rest of the day. I've had to come to a realization this past week that I have not wanted to accept. I wanted to believe that our nurturing would overcome any genetic material my daughter carried. I believe now I am wrong.
Two weeks ago, Drama Queen relapsed for one night (or so we thought). She came home the next morning not only still higher than kite, but something had traumatized her while she was 'out there'. She was pretty freaked out, but continued to go to work and her meetings. I really can't say anything more regarding that situation.
From that point on, Drama Queen was not herself. Of course, we are all wondering what is her real self. The web of lies and deceit is dumbfounding to me. Sure, drug addicts lie to get what they want. But, I believe most of you read my Expansion on my 101 regarding my ex-husband who is DQ's biological father. The question now becomes what is her reality? What is just a straight out lie? With DQ I don't know anymore.
Dweeb and I decided to watch the situation for now. She was still working and maybe it was just a minor slip up with all that has happened to her lately. The situation continued to deteriorate. She is obsessed with Reece's father. She would call him many times a day yelling at him and going into a rage. She would lose her temper with me. Dweeb was noticing that DQ was hearing voices again and just not acting right.
It all came to a head last weekend. She did not show up at work. She did not come home. When she did call to say she was coming home, she acted as if nothing was wrong. I asked her why she did not go to work. Her reply was "I had a bad day". That did not sit well with us. Dweeb and I discussed it and decided she had to go. She must move out of the house. She had already lost the chance to go to a halfway type house because of the one night use the week before and this was the final straw. When DQ walked in the door last Saturday, we told her she had to move out now. No waiting until she found something. She had to pack her things and get out. She could take the car for now. (you remember lovely Rhoda the Race car?) That's when she told us the car had broke down the night before and she had to leave it where it was (which thankfully was not far from our house). We told her that is too bad, she had to pack her things and get out. She looked freaked out, but little did I know just how geeked out this girl was. She began panic calling everyone she knew. I've warned her in the past that she can use people only so long before they will stop helping her and it seems it happened that day.
Finally, she did get her sponsor and her husband to come over. Sponsor said that for that one day they would take her. They told me she was so high she needed to be out of there. DQ went down to her room to get her things, but did not come right back upstairs. We went down and found her door locked. Using the pin to unlock the door, we opened it to find her trying to finish off what she had in her possession. This made me physically ill. As we loaded up EVERYTHING she owns into the truck, she tells me that the car is at a motel where she was at the night before. The party also got busted and now she may have to deal with charges. How much of this is true? Who knows. Only she knows. We don't know what to believe. I heard her paranoia and behavior became so bad later that day, she had to enter detox and will be entering an inpatient rehab soon. It took me two days to get the bedroom clean again. It's all Blondie's now. We know Drama Queen can never move back here again.
Oh yeah, she claimed to be pregnant last week too. That was another great fist in the gut. But that has proven false. Whew!
I knew if she tried to contact me with the same song and dance while adding "it's because I couldn't handle Reece dying", then I would have to accept the fact that Nature wins.
Guess what? Nature won. Got an email today. Blame is shifted to something or someone else. She has had so much support and going to a grief counselor that I don't believe her. I wish I could believe her. I want to believe her. But I can't. Not now. She never knew her biological father, yet she is like him in so many ways. I have finally opened my eyes to that fact.
And the stress that girl sent my way gave me a case of shingles for the first time ever! So I'm in pain physically too! Typing this on pain killers now. This might be fun for me to read when I'm well. This is probably not making much sense at all!
So... in a nutshell, that is where I've been. There were a couple of fun things that happened over the holiday and we'll get to those next week. June 07 Tough Day Today It was a tough day at the homestead. We knew it would be and tried to prepare ourselves. Today is the day Drama Queen and I had an appointment at the cemetery to choose the permanent marker for little Reece. We took a deep breath, got in the car, and headed straight for Starbucks first. Hey, we deserved it today.
The woman who has been taking care of us at the cemetery has been wonderful and helpful. There are so many decisions to make at such an emotional time. We must also keep in mind that will be there for the rest of time. So decisions can't be made lightly either. I soon had a headache.
When deciding what to have inscribed on the marker, my DQ through her tears cracked up saying "My Reece's Pieces". We all chuckled at that. She did call him that all the time, but really not appropriate for this. My girl is doing okay. I thank God for that.
It will turn out very nice I believe and the saying she chose is appropriate. When it is finished, I will post it (just in case last minute changes are made).
We also stopped to visit our little angel. This area is colorful and bright and peaceful. So many flowers, pinwheels, toys, small colorful flags. When you enter the Children's Area, you know that is exactly what it is without having to be told.
Located to the right of where DQ is standing in the picture above is the wall posted below. On this wall is tha name of every child buried in this cemetery. Reece's name will be engraved on this wall within two weeks.
I apologize if I don't get around to see anyone today. Have things to take care of... like me. Thanks again to you all.
 May 27 Thank You, Thank You!I would like to thank all of you for your well wishes, prayers, and thoughts. They were definitely heard and felt this past week. It has been a very difficult week and a very bizarre week for us. Drama Queen is doing well. Please continue your prayers for her as she really begins the grieving process. She has the most incredible support system I have ever witnessed. She has so many people from her group and from the place she receiving her recovery therapy I am amazed.
Last Saturday morning at a little after 9 am I received a phone call from Reece's father. He said his brother called him at work and Reece was not breathing right. He left work immediately and went to his brother's home. 911 had been called. When Reece's dad called me he was not making much sense. He said Reece wasn't breathing right. I asked him if the ambulance came and he replied they had been there. I asked which hospital he was going to be taken to. Reece's dad replied with "he's not going to a hospital. They put him in the back of a car and took him to a place to see what the matter was." Obviously this made no sense. I questioned him again where he was taken. He said he did not know. I asked him if Reece's breathing was okay now. Dad's reply was "no". Very matter of fact. I wasn't quite sure what to think at this point, until it clicked in my brain that something was terribly wrong. I asked Reece's dad if Reece was alive. He said "no". Knowing Reece's dad is not the sharpest tool in the shed, I asked, "L, is Reece dead?" He replied very matter of factly "yes". That is when the homicide detective got on the phone with me and gave me the details as they knew them and assured me that they saw no signs of foul play.
I go downstairs to tell Dweeb what happened before Drama Queen gets home and we need to tell her. When I walk in his office, he is typing 'the letter' that was his homework. I told him he could stop that, because I don't think she'll need it for awhile. He gave me that look like 'what now'. I told him Reece died. He looked at his computer screen and said 'okay, now I feel really bad about what I'm writing'.
He has much experience as an ER physician informing people that their loved ones have passed on, so I told him he had to tell DQ. I couldn't do it. I called her sponsor and she immediately got in her car and headed towards our home to be here when DQ found out the news.
My daughter walks in and she is feeling so good. She is so happy. Life is good. Just got a job. Reece was supposed to be here at noon for the day. I call Dweeb upstairs and he tells her. It was the saddest experience I have encountered. I can't even imagine what that felt like. I dread losing either one of my girls. The pain would be so bad, I'd probably begin using! Her friends were immediately around her and have been helping in taking care of her since.
Drama Queen is still clean and sober. She has been so strong this past week with the weight of making ALL the arrangements and taking care of all the phone calls being put upon our shoulders. The dad's family did NOTHING! The funeral was Thursday. It took awhile because we had to wait until the medical examiner's office was finished. That is one reason I have not been online much.
This week I will get into the events of last week and will visit all of you again. I've missed you guys! Be assured that DQ knows of every one of your well wishes. When I read her all the well wishes and prayers from all of you, she cried. She wants to thank you and let you know they are helping her now.
Anyway, I'm back and as any event that includes people who are nuts, there was some comic relief in this mess. We know Reece is safe in heaven. He went home before he knew sin, pain, all those things I worried about for him. I am glad for that. I'm very sad for my daughter. May 20 Our Angel Now...I am writing to ask for your thoughts and prayers for my daughter, Drama Queen. This
morning, her little 3 month old angel, Reece, passed away from sudden infant death
syndrome. I pray she does not relapse now. I am busy with making arrangements now, so I am not sure when I'll be back.
Thank you.
May 18 So your child is an addict? Keep your sanity!One of the big reasons for blogging was to share my saga involving my daughter. There are many people out there in blogland in my situation, will be in my situation, or know of someone in my situation. We had NO ONE and NO WHERE to turn when this hit us ten years ago. We learned everything the hard way. Trial and error. The object is not to gain sympathy or pity. The point of writing about this experience is to help others that find themselves in a similar situation. It can hit any family at any time. My family is proof of that. It hit us out of the blue and knocked us over.
Anyway, I have thought of a few quick rules to live by if you find yourself in this situation. If you know someone in this situation, pass this on. I don't wish anyone to have to go through this in the same fashion as our family. The rules mainly pertain to juveniles, but continue to adulthood. I'm sure I'll think of many, many more, but these are the ones that come to mind as I think about our journey this evening.
1. Once someone has reached a certain point in drug use (use of cocaine, heroine, wet, any hard narcotic) you CANNOT save them (I've tried). They have to WANT it with every breadth of their being.
2. DO NOT TRUST YOUR CHILD WHEN THEY ARE IN YOUR HOME! Lock all car keys, credit cards, digital camcorders, digital cameras, valuables, etc in a safe or hide them where they wouldn't think in a million years to look for them. Purses go with you into your room at night with your bedroom door locked. They get very good at lifting cash out of your purse with you in the same room, so beware.
3. NEVER give them cash!! $10 can get them a long way in the drug world. Many dealers, if they know the addict, will offer a few free 'hits'. Then the cash goes! Drugs like crack doesn't cost a lot of money to get high.
4. Do not give them a car if at all possible. This provides transportation to the dealer or fellow users. They may have every intention of going to school or work, but on the way their brain goes haywire and they end up where you don't want them.
5. If child runs away from home, REPORT TO POLICE immediately. You can be held responsible for their actions if they are under the age of 18. You need to report them as a runaway for your own well being. Now realize this means they will eventually pick them up, take them to juvenile hall, and then call you to come pick them up. And the viscious cycle begins again. No way around it, that is just the way it works.
6. If your child is arrested for ANYTHING. No matter how serious the charge or minor the charge, DO NOT BAIL THEM OUT!! I repeat DO NOT BAIL THEM OUT! First, you know if they are in jail they are safe. Second, make them think about what has happened. Don't rescue them.
7. Be prepared if #6 happens. This will require a Guardian Ad Litem appointed for your child (at your expense) AND you as parents must have your own attorney (at your expense). This I found out the hard way.
8. If possible, get them into a Detox center as soon as you know what is going on with them. But, Detox will release them in three days and they are back torturing you. IF they are volatile while at home with you, you will know what their trigger is that gets them to leave. USE IT. You don't need it in your home. Once they leave, repeat #5.
9. If they steal your car, report it as stolen immediately. Chances are they will not be picked up for this nor will they be charged for the crime, but maybe you can get your car back in one piece. Be prepared to clean that baby up when you get it back. Depending on drug of choice, it will smell to high heaven!
10. If you have younger children in the home it is imperative that you keep as much of this turmoil away from them. Try not to talk about it around them. Try not to fight with problem child when younger children are around. The younger children are not stupid. They know what is going on in the home. They don't need it thrown in their face. You need to provide an environment that affords as normal a childhood as possible. They deserve that! School may become the refuge of the younger children, their escape. (most kids did not know Blondie had a sister until she was a junior in high school. We honored that and never spoke of DQ around Sarah's friends).
11. On their 18th birthday, give yourself a party! You have survived the liability stage!
12. After they are 18, make sure the child knows they are on their own now. If they want the help, try to be there for them and help them pick up the pieces, but it usually takes several trips through that place before they really try. (This was our biggest mistake. We continued far too long which resulted, I believe, in enabling)
13. Be careful in the help you give them. It is very easy to enable the situation. It is a fine line between helping and enabling. Tough love may be necessary and be prepared. It will tear your heart out of your chest, but it's the best thing you can do for them.
14. Realize there are not too many resources out there to help these kids. Unless you are independently wealthy and can send them to a rehab where they can't escape (costing from $5,000 to $10,000 per month) for six months, you have to work with what your community offers.
15. Beware of any psychiatric diagnoses given before 90 days clean and sober. They are usually completely wrong. This can give false hopes that a psychotropic drug will make it all better.
16. MOST IMPORTANT: DO NOT LET THIS DESTROY YOUR MARRIAGE OR YOUR FAMILY! It's very easy to get sucked into trying to get your child safe and 'okay'. Your family comes FIRST! Then the addict. They will run your life if you let them. That leads to ruining your life.
And that is enough downer crap for one week!! Tomorrow, something more cheery, I hope. Maybe the 'Bosses' will give me a call! May 17 I have homework!I have been given a homework assignment by my daughter, Drama Queen. Before I tell you my assignment (or project) I need to give a little (haha) history for those of you who are relatively new to my space. Bear with me.
Drama Queen is my oldest daughter and is 25 years old. She knows I write about her on my space and she is cool with that. She has been a cocaine addict for 10 years and 'graduated' to heroin in the past 2-3 years. It began when she was 15. She became friends with the wrong kids in junior high (that was kept secret from me) and started dabbling in smoking weed. She got pregnant. She had a son. She placed him for adoption because there was no way she was able to even begin to raise a child with the activities she was involved in. I refused to raise my own grandchild. I believe a child needs a loving home with a parent or parents to raise and nurture them. After that, she decided the streets made a better home. You've seen pictures of at least the outside of my home, so you know she wasn't capable of raising a child if she thought the streets were better than our home. Over the past ten years I have gone through a living hell. She has been in and out of different detox and rehab facilities throughout the years, but basically they kick the kids out ASAP! Meaning within a week if at all possible. This does no good for them. She has had so many different psychiatric diagnoses it is hard to keep them straight. All of them were false. The evaluations were done as she was detoxing. The big diagnosis for detoxing or rehabing drug addicts is bipolar. They are all bipolar. The girl was then drugged up by her doctors. (She recently had a psych evaluation after being clean for 60 days and in layman terms she was diagnosed as a self-centered drama queen that needs to stay off drugs) Over the years she has stolen our cars, stolen our money, cost us a small fortune in lawyers, court costs, rehabs, hospital bills, etc, etc, etc. She has a total of four children now. The first,Isaiah, is now 9 years old and was adopted. The second child, beautiful girl, Lucy, came about after DQ was raped (in a crack house) and was adopted. The third child you all know, my Texas Tornado Jaden. We've known his dad for many years and Jaden lives with him now (although DQ really tried raising him). Jaden loves his mommy (Thank God above). The fourth is Reece. He is almost three months old. Last July my dad passed away and DQ was very close to him. She took it really hard. So, instead of dealing with her grief and sadness, as an addict, she tried to escape and hit the streets again. Little did she know she was pregnant at the time. She finally gained enough sense to get herself to a hospital and detox and stop using drugs. When Reece was born in February, SRS stepped in due to her drug use during pregnancy. Well, this stressed her out. She went and used one more time before he came home. Just so happened she was required to have a drug test that next morning. So, you can imagine what I've been going through. SRS and Family Preservation (a big joke) is involved now. We have to jump through hoops and ring bells to keep everyone happy. She is not allowed to live in the apartment with Reece so DQ has been back home with us. Grrreeaaat! I thought about slitting my wrists (just kidding). DQ was required to attend intensive outpatient therapy at a Recovery Center in our city, go to CA (cocaine anonymous) meetings, meet with SRS and Family Preservation people, and have scheduled supervised vists by yours truly with baby Reece. You know where this is going. My life is over. I have been carting her every single day to all her different appointments. She got her drivers license back a week or so ago. Now, over the past two months I have put 9,000 miles on my car getting her where she needs. That is not a typo. Now she can drive herself, but one problem. She has no car. So now I have to schedule anything I do whether it's helping my sister or going to the grocery store around HER schedule. I'm a bit resentful at this point.
The good news? She completed Intensive Outpatient Therapy with flying colors. Not because she 'did' what she was told, but because for the first time she is actually working the program (12 step program). She is now taking anger management classes (good idea after some of the knock down, drag out fights with her in the past) and Chronic Relapse Prevention Program. She is at high risk for relapse with her history. She is now looking for a job (difficult to get a job when you don't have a high school diploma yet!), will start working on her GED, and plans on getting an Associates Degree in Drug Counselling. It sounds good. I've heard this before. We'll see. She does know that one slip up and she is out on her keister (?). I'm tired. I don't want to deal with this bullshit anymore. Dweeb pretty much ignores it all since we've heard all this before. But I have to admit I've never seen her work so hard and honestly in her program.
Now that is an EXTREMELY condensed version of the Saga of Drama Queen. (If you think you have kids that are rotten teenagers, write me. I'll tell you stories that will make your children angels or just normal teens). Anyway. I am not sure what started her on this tract. But I do know that once you get into the cycle, it is almost impossible to get out of it. What she has witnessed, I know little about. But what I do know breaks my heart. I probably would have jumped off a bridge or in front of one of the gajillion trains in this town by now if these things happened to me.
Okay... my assignment... I am to write a letter (which will be opened and read by her in the company of her counselor) to DQ telling her how her addiction has affected me. DQ asked her dad (Dweeb) and her sister (Blondie) to do the same. Their reaction was: "NO, we've tried so hard to forget all that crap. I don't want to rehash that". Which is fine. They don't have to do this. But me? I gave birth to this child. Her biological father is a sociopathic nutcase (she really doesn't know him well at all). I feel so bad for her. As a mom, you don't ever truly give up on your child. But... how has her addiction affected my life. Where the hell do I begin?
(PLEASE no pity. Just needed to vent. Helps me to think more clearly) April 04 Rockem Sockem Insane RobotsToday we have another round of.... Rockem Sockem Insane Robots!
In this corner we have L (boyfriend of DQ and dad to new baby). Cool as a cucumber. Light on his feet. Cannot always deliver the knockout punch, but boy that right he throws can sting!
In that corner we have DQ (Drama Queen). Yeah, she's a wild one at times. Throws those punches lickety split and keeps her opponents ducking and weaving.
LET'S GET READY TO RUUUUUMMMMMBBBLLE!!
*ding ding* All right, they've entered the center of the ring and evil eyeing each other. They're trying to read each other. Now, these two have met in the ring before. It's never pretty when these two meet. DQ gives him a quick jab and backs off (You aren't doing what you are supposed to be doing with the baby). OH! L jumps right back with a quick right (You know this entire situation is your fault because you are a drug addict). DQ comes back at him with a fast 1-2 punch (why is everything my fault?). HOLY COW, L then hits below the belt! (You know you effed everything up cause your CRAZY in the head!). Whoa, DQ has gone wild now! She is coming after him with everything she has! (meaning 'rage episode). Looks like her manager is trying to get her under control. Oh Man! DQ is going after her manager now! (moui ducks and weaves). L is dancing a bit in the center of the ring with a smirk on his face. DQ sees this and is back in the ring ready to deliver a punishing blow when... L delivers the knockout punch. (I'm talkin' to other girls you know, and I'm going to move me and the baby back down to the city). OH MAN! DQ is down! 1..2...3...4....
Judges (gov't agency) rules it a knockout and declares L the winner of this fight. All visits with little baby must be supervised closely with DQ because of her anger problems. *sigh*
This round won by L and DQ's manager is ready for a shot of whiskey.
Have a great day y'all.
Just got word from Drama Queen. She received some assistance and looks like she will be moving out to the home for recovering women on Saturday *whew*. A little peace and quiet is on the horizon! March 23 Enter At Your Own Risk..I am about to enter my first RANT! I'm so angry I can hardly see straight to write this. I've hit the upteenth brick wall in the so called drug rehabilitation system in ten years! My daughter, unfortunately, has had a chemical dependency problem for ten years. It has been ten years of headache, heartbreak, and anger. Over the years I've spent my emotions and checkbook trying to get her help. Help to stay off the streets and get out of the cycle. Every turn I made I hit a brick wall. From the Juvenile System, to the detox units, to the rehabs, to SRS. No help, no suggestions, no guidance. I've been swinging by the seat of my pants trying to find someone to help us. Which leads me to my rant.
She is an adult now with a child. SRS is involved now because of her past drug use. Understandable. We want this little child to be safe and so does she. She is ready to face the fear. The fear of what she has encountered in her past, on the streets, and stopping this viscious cycle of abuse. In her words, "I don't want to die". SRS and everyone involved advised she be assessed for treatment. All involved in this issue now know that inpatient rehab is the best chance my child has to face the fear, walk through it, and come out the other side a complete person. A person that will have a better chance to stay drug free and lead a normal, productive, and responsible life. Then came the blow. The agency informed us of who does these assessments for them. My skinned crawled when I heard their name. Great. Here we go again. She has been assessed there twice in the past and their recommendations were "intensive outpatient therapy". Now this means attending 'classes' 10-15 hours a week at their center sometime in the near future when there is an opening. This always led to her not even beginning their outpatient therapy or only a few classes because she succumbs to the street. When she was a juvenile I expended so much energy and pride begging this agency and others to please put her in an inpatient facility for longer than 20 days in order to get a hold of herself and deal with the reasons why she succumbs to this demon. The answer was always, 'I'm sorry, according to our one page assessment, she does not qualify for that'. I'm not making excuses for my daughter. She made the decisions that have brought her to her present state. She is also my child. I love her unconditionally and will do anything I possibly can to give her the chance to survive and in the process pray I'm not enabling her.
Today I drove her to the appointment for her assessment (since she has no driver's license or automobile at this time *sigh*). The assessment was a one page questionairre and 30 minute discussion with the person in charge of making the decision. She went into the interview honestly. They took her history and they know why she was sent there (advised by all involved in her case).
When she exited the building she was crying. I knew this wasn't good news. I also knew what courage it took for her to walk in there and admit what care she needed, repeat her history over again, and knowing she may be dealing with 'facing the fear' very soon if they agreed to inpatient. Well, we certainly didn't have to worry about this assessment helping her. Once again, advisement was 'intensive outpatient therapy' and there will be an opening in about eight weeks. My daughter told me she informed the assessor she wanted inpatient treatment, that she didn't want to die. Through her tears, she whispered, 'she laughed'.
I am livid!
In order to do 'intensive outpatient therapy' this girl has to move to a home for recovering women (which is fine), work a part-time job, go to 'intensive outpatient therapy 10-15 hours a week, meet with psyhcologist and psychiatrist weekly, attend CA meeting six nights a week, meet with Family Preservation agent twice a week, schedule visiting times with her infant son, and any other random meeting they deem necessary. Oh, did I mention she doesn't have a car or license? Yeah. That makes for a great environment for someone who truly wants to change their life. Once again, I know she made her decisions and it's because of these decisions she is where she is now. But, give me a break! If anyone has a loved one that suffers from addiction, you know how incredibly difficult it is to stop. My daughter will fight this demon the rest of her natural life. All we are asking is for her to have a chance. Please. The stress this schedule will put on her will most likely send her to the local crack dealer at least once, and then all is for naught.
Oh did I say that the assessor said she would qualify for inpatient if she was using now?
All she needs is a hit of crack and she can be in. Now that's a solution. |
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